don’t be a cheese- eating surrender- monkey
Americans go big. They don’t just make hamburgers; they construct multi-tiered artery-cloggers that require their own structural engineer. They don’t just hold grudges against other countries; they rename their French Fries, Freedom Fries and brand a whole nation cheese eating surrender-monkeys. And they certainly don’t just drive; rather they go on epic, life-changing road trips.
For those planning on tackling America by road in one bite-size hit, a drive-thru California is a great option. But where should your automotive adventure take you, and what do you need to know before you go?
Choose your vehicle (and friends) carefully
While parallel parking a super-sized American SUV may be as challenging as having to continually think of excuses for not accepting your mothers Facebook-Friend request; you will appreciate the extra personal space provided by a vehicle with an equivalent carbon footprint of the Death Star. So before you hire that hatchback, just remember you will be spending a lot of time next to a friend whose armpits could be harvested by a third-world dictator looking for biological weapons. And there’s not enough Lynx in the world to mask that.
Get out of the glamour-zone in Los Angeles
If New York is the city that never sleeps; then LA is where the beautiful people doze in seal-placenta face-masks before spending their days doing hot yoga, discussing the latest colonic hotspot and looking fabulously bored poolside at one of the many party hotels of West Hollywood. While the city is undoubtedly glamourous, any self-respecting road-trip will see you forego the latest insta-famous rooftop restaurant to trawl the cities bars of yesteryear.
Sunset Boulevard’s infamous Viper Room, Whisky a Go Go and Rainbow Bar and Grill have seen stars come and go, and given birth to many a road trip playlist favourite, including Guns ‘N’ Roses. Don’t assume either that because the venues are a little less polished, that your night will be devoid of celebrities. Although you may want to bathe in disinfectant following a drink with Ron Jeremy.
You’re on a boat
The drive into Lake Tahoe is the stuff of eye-gasms. Coming over the mountain pass a vast deep-blue lagoon spills out across the valley framed by jagged rocky peaks. It is the type of place you expect to be populated entirely by smooth-skinned American college kids named ‘Carter’ or ‘Skip’, who look like the stepped right out of a Ralf Lauren catalogue.
The best way to experience Tahoe is from the lake itself. So hire a speedboat, fill an esky with beers and drive out into the dark centre of the lake. You’ll be surprised at how quickly you can become expert at standing on water-ski’s when the water is so cold it makes sitting naked on a glacier look like a good way to warm up.
Touristing on a timeframe in Yosemite
A grassy meadow stretches up to a steep wall of granite and in the distance a giant waterfall projects water with a frothy violence that can’t be ignored. Yosemite Valley is home to some of the most recognisable wildlife images taken in America, offering panoramic windshield views of dense forests, soaring mountains and rapidly moving rivers. Handily for any roundtrip on a tight time frame, many of the best vantage points are also easily accessed by car.
Driving on in Death Valley
Top tip for Death Valley? Keep driving. Unless you desire to have the linings of your lungs lightly seared every time you draw breath in 48-degree heat, or have a desperate need to visit a roadside bathroom that has been stewing in the desert sun, crank the air-con and motor on.
The end of the road
Las Vegas should be the last stop on any road trip itinerary. It will break you. The city will leave your bank account as scarcely populated as a beach after an appearance by Tony Abbott in a pair of speedos. And if Las Vegas hasn’t left you regretting your life choices, worrying how your life suddenly took a turn for the Charlie Sheen, well, you just haven’t done it properly.
Case in point: After a secret hiding place at a pool party tuned out to not be so secret after all; our group was recently seen stumbling down the Vegas strip barefoot and shirtless; minus wallets, mobile phones and any shred of dignity. #sloppyrigsofvegas may have trended across the state.
There is so much more to an all-in American road-trip than anything what Hollywood portrays on the big screen. So to experience the best of life on the open road grab your friends, get a big arse car and get your engine running.
